Rummys Blog An world of endless Monday

Saturday, 17 July, 2010

Getting older and starting to show it!

Filed under: General — Andrew.Rowbottom @ 1:53 pm

Honestly I am beginning to bother myself. I’m getting older, sales I know that, bulimics we’re all getting older. I’ve even reached the stage where I can tell that not everything is exactly as it was, women’s health occasionally stuff twinges. I don’t care too much about that, that’s physical, “all flesh is grass” and that shit.

What is starting to bother me is my gradually increasing intolerance.

This weekend for example, it’s air fresheners, god help me, but I’m not good with air fresheners anyway, a fair number of them hurt my nose, seriously, and not in a “I press the button with my nose”  kinda way, especially those “neutralisers” that you can’t smell but make your nose want to bleed!

To be honest, half the time I’d rather smell boiled cabbage than some marketing persons idea of what the country should smell of. I live in the country. It sometimes smells of cow and pig shit, sometimes of rain on dry soil (a beautific smell), and usually of nothing in particular. It doesn’t smell like those wierd yellow cubes you pee on in urinals, it doesn’t smell of roses or pine either. Even pine forests don’t smell of pine!

Anyway, the latest thing in shoving unwanted smells up your nose are automatic air fresheners that you can leave on all the time and every five minutes they will willingly add some more unwanted stink into your living area. MMMmmm!

But better even than this – Motion sensors! Fuck me! The marketing people are saying that People smell! Well yeah, but they think we smell bad enough to want to cover it up! If I smell bad then that’s a personal issue that I’d really like to be told about. Really. I know that on occasion I’ve been known to wear clothing that is, shall we say, a little contaminated. Horse piss is not a smell even I’m good with. But tell me please and I’ll fix it! FFS!

Anyway, so motion sensors on air fresheners, sole purpose: to make your house smell “nicer” everytime someone moves.

Hah, not so benevolent. Recently I went to a house with one of these sat on the landing window sill. I didn’t know it was there and fallumped my way up the stairs to, you know, visit the bathroom when I heard a little mechanical rrrpffrp. I turned my head towards the strange noise just in time for the shitty little thing to go squirt! Right in my fucking eye!

So that’s an air freshener, an automatic air freshener, an automatic air freshener with motion senser placed just so it can spray the ear of anyone who goes upstairs. Except for me. Me – I get a special eye-squirt.

Ever since then I’ve been hypersensitive (in a mental sense) to these bloody devices, now when I hear a rrrpfft I twitch like Inspector Dreyfus.

Me + airfresheners = NO.

God knows what I’m going to do when I get old and smelly(er). Though I’m gonna be out on the street shouting at busses by then, I guess so the whole problem will be moot.

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